Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
