She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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