I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
