my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
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