he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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