So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
operation have a gay friend backfired
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My vagina is officially offended.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
