So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
