Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
