you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
