A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
