Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
