watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize