so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
