I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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