She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
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