I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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