I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
