genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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