I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
