We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
