First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Hippo gnu deer
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
