Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
