I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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