I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
