my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
