I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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