My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
