so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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