upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize