hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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