i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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