This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
