By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
