So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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