She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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