Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
