Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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