i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
