I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize