I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
