Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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