i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
