I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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