What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
