Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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