you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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