You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
