I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
