My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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