She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
