Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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