Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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