I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
