end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
im having a threesome with these popsicles
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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