I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize