I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
